The Tasking -a dream???
The Tasking
Copyright 2007
I was trying my hardest to genuinely pray, rather than mouth any further empty words. The thought came to me that there was a sense of peace in the room. A swelling in my heart which leaked out of my eyes began to get my attention. I had been through so many "spirit-filled" adventures that I began to suspect my imagination of sliding backwards into one of those times when I (along with my prayer partners) pretended to have heard from God.
It dawned on me that there is a way to determine whether this was real or not. If I had no unconfessed sin in my life and had blocked my enemy specifically through prayer then there could be no occasion or opening from that direction. Either God could speak to me in my thought-life or He couldn't. If there was no way to discern where my thoughts were coming from then the whole practice of conversing with God would always be a mockery or a gamble.
I asked the Lord if He would direct my thoughts and confirm to me whether He had anything specific to say to me -personally. The earnest of the Spirit within interrupted me and I found myself thanking Him for the way He had always looked for the best in me. I heard myself talking about how sometimes others misunderstood me when I overstated my point but that He had always encouraged me to keep trying to get to the bottom of a matter and knew my real heart. Once, when my thoughts unexpectedly drifted to an ancient heartache, my mouth began singing. "Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus..."
After I overcame my initial surprise, I stopped the song and asked the Lord why this was happening. The thought immediately came that I was to focus on Him and not on anything which threatened to sabotage our conversation.
"You have been asking me for something to do. I have an assignment for you."
The words came to me naturally as I fell asleep. It was as if my spirit had been in the middle of a long and interesting discussion with my Father for hours and I, sleepily, was only beginning to comprehend what was taking place.
"You need to go though a refining process in preparation for this assignment. You have learned much that is true but it is time that these things were fitted into their proper place. You have learned to be on guard against your self but this cannot be complete without testing. The assignment is very difficult and demands all of your attention. In order to insure that you will not be able to rely on your own understanding, I am sending you (as I often do with those who are called ministering spirits and are your fellow servants) into a universe far away. In order to help you to focus, you will be surrounded by thick darkness but I will be with you always."
"I will send you to one who has discovered that there is no god such as men have made. He started by thinking that he was more honest than others because he knew the universe would have no meaning if it was ruled by an angry, egotistical, unjust, capricious god who excuses His chosen ones and torments others. He reasoned it would be better to take his chances in hell rather than with such a ruler."
"At one time, he knew in his heart that I was ready to meet him but thought the puzzles of life so interesting and demanding that he would put off getting acquainted until later."
"He now imagines himself to be very wise. This one has used his discovery to excuse his selfish life. Your assignment is to agree with him that there is no such god. Ask him if there might be a possibility that there is a God who has been misrepresented. Ask him if he has done a thorough search into the question. Ask how he would feel if he were being misrepresented. Don't try to PROVE anything to him, that's My job.
I heard myself asking, "Is that all I am to say?"
"I am sending you to live before this one in such a way that he will see who I really am. He must see that I am not what men think I am (Psalms 50:21). YOU will be the proof that there must be something, somewhere, which gives life meaning."
I was heavily impressed with the task and quietly asked how I was to proceed.
"There are certain baptisms you must experience before you are ready. First, you must be surprised and ambushed by your enemy in order to prepare you to walk circumspectly. Your 'little vacations from God after each victory' (as you like to call them) must become a thing of the past."
"Next, you must see what you are and how easily you can stumble (and how far this might be measured) without abiding in Me. You must see what your heart would be like if you thought my back was turned, or if I seemed disinterested. Further on, you must be betrayed and suffer great injustice quietly if you are going to follow in my footsteps."
"Finally, I will teach you what the meaning of the word 'glory' is. After all these things, I will send you to certain others (I leave it to you to determine where they need to start) who need to see these things demonstrated in a real life. I am preparing you in this way so that you may be able to teach others to follow this path."
I felt as if He and I had been talking for hours and that awakening and going through the day was nothing more than a chance to continue the conversation by living in it. The first thing that popped into my head was whether I was going to be carried away like Ezekiel or if all these things were to be considered in the same manner that a man ponders over a dream, even as it is flying away. I had the distinct impression that I was not to be concerned about the fulfillment of these things but was, for the present, only to do the next thing that came to hand.
My daily work and fellowship with my family and others was filled with a strange new energy which I could not explain. I was on the alert for every contact I had with others, waiting for some sign that my assignment was beginning. That night I fell asleep as one who had truly entered into a kind of death. I saw myself walking on a tangible darkness. It was bumpy and I felt that the place had distinct areas which were concave while others were convex.
At first, I felt suffocated by the darkness because it hovered and clung to me and moved with me as I walked. It will sound strange, but this darkness had some sort of dull form of what could be called light. Somehow I could see the shape and form of the dark as I walked with no visible light. It may be best to explain it as similar to what is seen through night-vsion goggles. I pushed against it and it came back at me as if it were a wall of sponge. I spoke calmly, "I'm here Lord."
"I have been walking alongside you. Did you feel as if you had bumped into me?"
After a pause, I replied, "I knew you were somewhere and I was just waiting for what was next."
His voice was very soothing to me. "You have done well so far."
A flush of joy came over me that I was pleasing to the Lord so early in my journey. My next sensation was that my body was moving rapidly over some black, rolling hills, made of the same spongy material. I felt that I was being drawn into a specific destination point at the end of the darkness. Suddenly, the thought came to me that the one I was being sent to was just ahead and that I was not ready. Wasn't there supposed to be some sort of test first?
A great heaviness, a sense of having already failed swallowed me up. Nothing like this had ever happened in my relationship with the Lord before. I was in unexplored territory. I felt it would only be honest to admit my pride in being chosen for the task at hand and my unworthiness to have such conversations with Almighty God. It slowly came to me that this was another of my vain imaginations, probably patterned after some story I had heard. It was a bitter pill but at least I would be honest with myself and confess my pride and self-importance to God and wait for the reproof which would follow.
Once I had gotten this far in my thinking I gradually saw that my whole life and so-called "ministry" was in fact a huge joke. Better men than I had done more with less. Others were dying for Christ in remote parts of the world and I had presumed to be useful. The facts stood out very plainly now. I was able to see what a miserable thing it is to fall into such a trap of "doing" something for Christ. Wasn't this another way of attempting to be saved by works? After all, if I were such a prized possession of the Lord, why were others in the ministry set up for life while my family had to cry out for daily bread?
Wasn't there something to the fact that God had removed material blessings? Perhaps it was time to admit that the sins of my forefathers were being visited. There could be no doubt but that we were cursed. Once a family is cursed there is no way around it. When God said, "...to the third and fourth generation," he meant it.
Like a bolt of lightning I saw a picture in the darkness of myself in a room. It was a freeze-frame from long ago of something despicable which I had done. Weakly, I spoke to the darkness, "But I thought those days were under the blood of Christ." Like a shot the thought came back to me, "That may be, but what does this reveal except who you really are and what you are capable of? You always were a sneaky sort, ready enough to look good when someone was watching."
My body had slowed and stopped on top of one of those humps seen previously. I took a step forward on my own strength and began to despise myself. After a few personal insults and whippings of my own back I fell on my face and cried out to the only One I knew who could tell me what to think.
"Didn't I give you fair warning that you would be ambushed?"
I heard myself mumble, "Oh my Father. I'm so ashamed that my enemy was able to play his old, worn-out tricks on me yet again!"
In a matter-of-fact tone of voice came the reply, "You see it. See now, your lips have been touched (I felt something touch them) and this also has been taken away. By the way, who are you really? Are you the sort of person your enemy says you are? What is your name?"
I seemed to speak as if I were a newborn baby whose mind was on the verge of adult thinking but not so far yet. "Please, Lord I have forgotten who I am. Do I have a name?"
"You have always had this name in my mind." He showed me a small, white stone with a name written on it. "Here, keep it. Only you and I will know of it."
I was grateful to have such a name from my Father and to have a secret with Him. I slipped the stone into my pocket and a gentle warmness was in it.
Again he asked me, "Who are you really?"
I found that hot tears were rolling down my cheeks."Father, I don't know who I am. I don't know anything, but I know that you know me and I trust you with that which I don't know."
"That is what we are here to find out." came the answer. Have I never given you anything to measure such questions with?"
I knew instantly what was meant. I quoted loosely from the sixteenth Psalm, "Doesn't it say somewhere that we are your bright and shining ones in whom is all your delight?"
I sensed then that He was pulling my head gently against His shoulder. Nothing needed to be said. I knew my true name and I knew who I was. He pulled away from me a step and looked, smiling, into my face. "Are you ready for the next thing you must do?"
"It comes to me that I need to gird up the loins of my mind to carry the Scriptures with me closely now. I only really know whatever you wish to show me. Anything else might come from my imagination."
"Good answer! I will close your eyes now and you will see what could be and you will decide what to do about it."
Even as He was speaking a subdued feeling came over me. Perhaps it was like the anesthetics we are given during surgery. I watched as vivid pictures randomly floated by. Out of one scene there emerged a hazy form of a beautiful woman who appeared to be in some sort of trouble. Her beauty was very powerful and seemed almost to strike me. She looked at me and her eyes showed that we understood each other. I was a Christian and she was a lady in distress. She knew that I would always behave as a gentleman and could trust me with her life and her troubles.
She thought into me the fact that she wasn't as far along in Christ as I was but wanted so badly to learn more of him. She asked me to look deeply into her eyes and see if there was anything impure or unholy. She caused me think of an innocent child who needed my help and was wiling to place her life in my hands. Indeed, she had no one else to turn to. If I would not help her then there was nothing left but misery and eternal separation from the wonderful god she had heard of.
The idea came to me that I was being sent to an atheist and was supposed to tell this atheist something which I could not remember at the moment. I "saw" that this must be part of the preparation or perhaps this was the very one I was being sent to! I did not recall that I was told it would be a man. I thought into her mind that I had been sent to her and would not fail to help her since the Lord himself had sent me across her path.
She blushed a little, then recovered herself and confided in me all manner of secrets. There were hurts and doubts and a lot of problems which centered around her despising herself and the way she looked. I began to think of a way to tell her that there was nothing wrong with the way she looked when it occurred to me that it might be taken as flattery. I shamefacedly said something about how I couldn't agree with these thoughts she was having.
I found myself telling her my life story and how I had had many such problems and thoughts against myself but had learned how to deal with them. I'm sorry to say this was all said in a tone and manner which could have just as well been used when discussing how to run an electric appliance. There was no life in what I said and only some distant allusions to Scripture.
She began to cry with such a look of appreciation on her face that I moved closer to the picture in order to console her. I told her that I felt I had known her all my life and that I would do anything to help her. She broke down completely at this point and (I notice a split-second flash of something in her eye) asked if she could be allowed to show me her appreciation in all sincerity.
I instantly knew what she meant and found myself noticing such things as how the strange form of light I had been using was gone and that the darkness seemed very close and blanketing around us. Without giving myself time to think about the matter, I leaned toward her as I turned my cheek. I told myself that I would later be able to instruct her from the Scriptures but for now she wasn't ready. I heard her say something (whispering now) about how it would be worth anything to her to have a man like me near her, even if only as friend and teacher. She only wished that it would be possible to kiss me as a sister would. She wondered what I thought of her.
I told her that I belonged to Jesus Christ and was sorry if I had given her some grounds for assuming... She interrupted me by thinking into me how beautiful and innocent she was. She had no ulterior motives, only gratefulness for my concern over her. All she wanted to do was find a way to thank me. The thought came to me that there could be nothing wrong with accepting a peck on the cheek, something like the slight hugs I'd endured after church some evenings.
As fast as thought it was done and now she looked as if we were old friends who had been caught doing something wrong and needed to stick together. I saw that she wondered if god would forgive people if they did something bad "just once" and never intended to do it again. Wouldn't it be worth it to take the chance of a lifetime? Who knew if we would ever see each other again? This god was said to be a forgiving god and one who understood our weaknesses.
Her life had been so full of misery, all she wished for was one single moment of happiness and then she would be able to bear to go on as before. I looked around and could "see" that my Father was nowhere near.
"Perhaps he had to go somewhere for a few minutes?" she seemed to say. The thought came to me that this was a split-second chance to do something that I knew was wrong but that it could be forgiven later and a chance like this may never come to me again.
"It's no good. The Lord is everywhere and sees everything. I can hide nothing from Him." I heard myself talking as if I were a robot.
"Then, let him watch. You already know he will understand and forgive anything." she pleaded. "I will love you like you could never have imagined if you only would let me."
I moved even closer to the picture frame. My mind began to explode. I would do the unthinkable and get it over with! Once I had got this far, my eyes stared as her face began to alternate with the face of a pig.
"I don't care," I told myself, "it's all an illusion anyway. I'm going to just get it over with and then I will be free from this torture."
Her face drew closer to mine and added the image of a demon to that of the pig.
I will confess that I only became more stubborn. "I'll wait until the girl-face comes around again and act quickly before I become any more disgusted with all this. Oh, my God help me! I wish I were what I want to be instead of what I am. I am sick with my sin and helplessness. I want to stand before you like a true man but I ..."
The soft fold of His robe and shoulder against my face distracted me from my thoughts. I knew that He had me back and that I was made of dust.
"Do you see what you could be?"
My only answer was more tears and a slight nodding of my head, brushing the stream against His robe.
"I know what you want to be. I also know that you must be healed of this very kind of thing. What do you think of it all?" He spoke slowly and gently.
After a few minutes I was able to answer. "I never thought anything could tempt me to presume on your forgiveness. I must have a deep problem with lust and..."
"It would be the same with anger or with hatred (which is murder)" he replied.
"Lord, how can you put up with men like me? It hurts me the most to think that I thought I was ready to be tested and then to do something for You. I feel as if I need to go into the wilderness until I have seen all these things in a new light."
He looked far away from me and said, "You are there now and already seeing."
